Still Stuck on Someone Who Can’t Be Mine

I used to get butterflies before dates—the excited kind, full of possibility. But since him, I hesitate. I sit in my car, staring at the clock, wondering if it’s even worth going. Will this new person be a distraction, or will I silently compare them to him the whole time?

I don’t know why he still holds so much space in me. Maybe it’s how easy things feel when we’re together. Maybe it’s that he sees me clearly, challenges me, never lets me settle. It’s addictive, how simple it is to talk with him, how right it feels… until I remember it’s also wrong.

He’s not the person I need. I know that. But I’m still here.

We’re still friends, because letting go completely feels like cutting off a limb. But how do I move on if he’s still in my life? Do I tell him I still have feelings and risk losing the only part of him I’m allowed to keep? Or do I keep quiet, protect the friendship, and slowly bleed out behind a smile?

He sends mixed signals, whether he means to or not. A text that feels like a hug. A look that says “I care” just a little too long. Is this how he treats all friends, or am I reading too much into the pieces he gives me?

Maybe he doesn’t know what he wants. Maybe I’m the only one still confused.

Either way, I’m stuck in the ache—loving someone who can’t be the person I need, and not knowing if I’ll ever stop hoping he might be.